I give up.

I am tired of running from the past pain.

I am tired of looking for something I won’t find.

I am tired of giving a damn when there is really no reason to… is there universe? Or God? OR whatever the hell is out there that seems to have it out for me.

You win.

That’s the plain and simple of it. Took quite a few years… but I concede defeat.

That is all – for real this time.

Do not read if you don’t care about how other humans feel. Do not read if you don’t like to face the reality of depression. Do not read with pity in your mind.

Last of all… do not read if you don’t want to read.

I have spent years wondering about this hollow feeling inside of me. I have come up with many possible reasons as to its existence… but I didn’t realize until tonight what was missing, what I had lost. I didn’t realize that my whole life up to now has been one great lie… a lie to myself and to everyone that ever thought they knew me.

I know now that I lost something precious years ago. I lost something that left a gaping hole in the center of who and what I am.

I Lost Me.

Yes, it sounds corny right? 31 year old veteran of 2 military services and 2 war zones coming out and saying that I lost myself? Well its true.

Years ago She showed me the joy of what I called Love. Years ago… She showed me the unrequited pain of loss. At that very point I lost myself and have been trying to explain it off as anything else. “Everyone has pain” I would say, or “it wasn’t really Love”… I would listen to people say “You are too good for her man” and I would nod on the outside. I tried to reason with myself by filling the void with different women, but each and every one of them just made the gap feel bigger and the armor I wear for all to see grow thicker. They all left me… but it was my fault. I have been self-fulfilling the feeling of pain that came when She left without a Goodbye, with just her Brother telling me that I needed to move on.

Everything I have been doing in life I have had the feeling of being on a downward spiral… and I was right. When you lose yourself there is no going back to the “good days’”. Every day is just another day to get through… and the future that I once looked forward to so hopefully is now shown to be on a road so far from me that it is unreachable.

I sit here tonight with the past parading through my head. I feel every dagger that has come against this heart, every loss that has widened the gap within… and every single ounce of the loss of who I was. The physical pain of my body, caused by pushing myself too hard to forget… to try and lose myself in the business of the military (and, by proxy, death), are nothing compared to the pain that is once again welling up from a place I have long tried to keep suppressed.

I want to apologize to every woman I have had the nerve to have feelings for since Her. It wasn’t your fault that you left me – and each one of you has given me memories, and pains, that I will bear with me forever… it was my fault for not being me I guess. Or my fault for trying to be a me that I wasn’t. In any case I am sorry – my pain is my fault and my own. I wish you happiness and Love – 2 things I no longer see on my road.

You know, I never really could define what it felt like to lose my heart to Her… but I think that is because it is impossible to explain. How can you explain the loss of something so ethereal? Picture in your head a deep dark chasm with no sound, no light, and only room enough for you to stand alone at the bottom. No view of the sky. Darkness walled on all sides, and a drain down which your hopes and dreams keep sliding… picture that and then imagine an aching wrench where your ethereal heart would be… do that and know you haven’t but pierced a small piece of it. Trying to fill the chasm inside has been like filling a sieve with water and wondering why it doesn’t stay full.

Now what do I do?

Querida… what did I do?

I used to write poems. I lost that when I lost me… but I think I understand the great poets now more than ever. I know that I will just have to face this road ahead of me as only part of who I was… until the sky falls, the seas sink, and these eyes close into that dreamless sleep – however many years it may be from now.

I guess I should be going now… I have gone beyond feeling the pain and feel completely hollow. I now get to face the rest of my life knowing that I am not me. Now you few readers have seen a true glimpse of the shell that I am. That’s more than I show myself in the mirror lately.

May your dreams come true.

~Carlosjuero

For Online MMO gaming I am going to go with my old reliable and get back more often into Lord of the Rings Online, I will also dabble with Dungeons and Dragons Online (Free) off and on when I want a different experience.

For some fulltime offline gaming I will be working on a small variety of games of which I will list below:

• War Game: Hearts of Iron II – I plan on making some ‘theme’ posts on my progress in this game (like newspaper stories in the time period)
• RPG: This is a toughy, I have so many RPG’s on my drive right now but one of my mains I think will be Mass Effect – I stopped playing without getting too far in, and really need to continue on with it
• Random Slaughter: This one will be a tie between Borderlands and Torchlight.
• Fillers: I will probably throw some filler game time in with Medieval II: Total War now and then, but I have to try and keep the list short so I don’t get too overwhelmed and go back to a rutt of not playing anything.

Hopefully I can keep myself out of various forums and actually do some gaming over the next few weeks. I would love to be able to actually finish one of the many games I have installed so I can move on to a new one. I believe I will start out tonight by first jumping into some Hearts of Iron II (I will be taking Great Britain through the war years), and then maybe an MMO or RPG later on.

Has this happened with any of you? Where you have gotten sort of out of touch with the gaming you want to do and then have to make choices on what to play?

Happy Gaming.

~Carlosjuero

As a whole I am not impressed with Gearbox’s PC Support for this game – for something that was touted pre-release as having a separate PC development and a PC specific UI, the game falls short. It is fun to run around and shoot stuff and pick up new guns, but I like game companies that 1) communicate with all of their customers (in this case console and PC), and 2) stick to their word.

Anyway, if you have been waiting for the DLC pack to come to the PC – you can purchase it now on Steam and via the Borderlands website. Heres a small caveat though folks, apparently the DLC has an activation limit imposed… even the Steam version.

Steam: DLC DRM Notice

Who ever heard of DLC having an activation limit based DRM? Expansions.. Yes. Full Games.. Yes. DLC?! I rarely get too worked up about games and game company practices, but Gearbox is heading towards my waste basket. Sorry, just telling it like I feel.

`Carlosjuero

Thank you for taking the time to visit my blog, and I hope you keep coming back. Remember to give thanks for all that you have in your life, and please think of those of our troops who are overseas on this holiday.

~Carlosjuero

Head on over to the Champions Online website to learn how to get going with this free period.

Heres a quick list of features for the new DLC:

• A return to the battlefields of Ostagar, now thick with darkspawn encamped amidst the snow
• An opportunity to reclaim the lost arms and armor of a king
• A second chance to add Dog to your party

The DLC can be purchased with BioWare Points (similar to Microsoft Points on the XBL system) via the Dragon Age Store. It costs 400 Points (or $5.00 US) and is “this holiday season” (I am guessing closer to Thanksgiving/Christmas – will update when more is known).

More Information: http://dragonage.bioware.com/addon

The DLC looks interesting – I was actually hoping that BioWare’s big announcement for today would be about something free, but oh well. I may get this but will probably put it off for a while – still haven’t finished the main game.

There are many videos on YouTube right now from press-release copies, the reviews have all been outstanding and I, for one, am agreeing by just what I have seen. There are also some live streaming videos from people with reveiw copies, on Livestream.com, uStream.com, and Justin.tv.

So get ready folks, a brain blasting addicting ARPG is on its way… if you haven’t pre-ordered it yet do so now! Theres a link on the left hand navigation to the pre-order page on GamersGate, but its also on Steam, Direct2Drive, PerfectWorld and will be on TorchlightGame.com and WildTangent soon. Its only $20.00… you cannot go wrong there.

PS – I guess I forgot to mention one of the best parts of this game… it will have a full featured Toolset provided free of cost with the game. The toolset is the exact same toolset that the developers designed the game levels with, and will be able to modify just about every single portion of the game.

What has been distracting me? Well, between Dragon Age: Origins (with its impending release and its ‘companion’ flash game: Dragon Age Journeys), looking at Torchlight (an upcoming ARPG created by talent that was behind FATE and… Diablo [and the much missed Mythos] now living together in Runic Games), and guest writing over at the Grey Wardens website.

I hope to have my article idea up here today some time, or at least this weekend. I doubt it will garner me more page views than I get daily right now (less than 30 on average) or more comments, but I hope it will be a good discussion tidbit .

Back to distractions!